Tag Archives: health problems

Gratitude Heals

Life has been a whirlwind this past week. After a holiday weekend spent working on projects and playing games with a good friend, our lives were upturned when my fiance’s father was hospitalized Tuesday.

Pops is still in the hospital today, and likely will be for at least another week, though we don’t know for sure yet. So while I wait for a call back from his doctor, I’ll share my gratitudes here, and send some positive energy into the universe on his behalf.

GratefulMondays

*I’m grateful for friends, framily, and loved ones who have been sending prayers and good thoughts for Scotty’s dad.

*I’m grateful for the nurses and staff who have been taking such good care of Pops, and who have answered all our worried calls with calm reassurances.

*I’m grateful for a dear friend who’s come back into our lives, who has been my strength this last week. I’m thankful she was able to spend Saturday with us, and provide some smiles when we needed them the most.

*I’m grateful for our doggy and his snuggles. They might not cure what ails us, but they come pretty darn close.

*I’m grateful for an afternoon at the dog park, watching our doggy play and run. That little bit of fresh air cleared our minds and temporarily eased our hearts. It’s the simple things, sometimes.

*I’m grateful for the Dutch Bros. gift card we received for Christmas which means we’ve been able to treat ourselves to hot tea and coffee while we’ve been driving back and forth from the hospital. The little pick-me-ups have been heavenly.

*I’m grateful for the long-burning holiday candle Cathy gave us for Christmas. The scents of cinnamon and pine are extremely soothing while I sit and wait for the phone to ring.

*I’m grateful we were able to make changes to our phone plans last month, so that we now have the unlimited minutes and texts for all the necessary phone calls and messages. We’d make the calls anyway, but it’s nice to know our bill won’t be astronomical when it comes.

*I’m grateful our car has been able to make the repeated trips to the hospital (it’s a 40 minute trip to where Pops is), despite it desperately needing an oil change and transmission flush, which we can’t exactly afford right now. I’m also thankful for lower gas prices which make it not so damaging to the budget to have to fill up the tank over and over again this month.

*I’m grateful for Scotty’s boss, who understands family comes first. Who made sure Scotty had time off to be at the hospital while Pops was admitted, and even paid him for those hours.

*I’m grateful for all the compassion, love, and strength we’ve received from friends far and wide. For the phone calls, text messages, emails, and tweets. For the smiles and hugs. For the prayers that keep coming, and all the positive energy that is flowing from everyone. It is all felt, and very much appreciated.

*And I’m grateful for my own treatment and doctors, who’ve made it possible for me to be able to be by Scotty’s side through all this. I’m grateful my body has cooperated this past week, and hasn’t punished me too badly for the excess stress and worry. I’m grateful that tomorrow is infusion day, and that I will be receiving some blessed relief so that I can continue to stand by his side and be strong for him.

I Promise You, I’m Bored With This Mess

I’ve been pretty absent around these parts lately. Life simply has not been wanting to play fair. It seems as soon as one thing eases up, ten more plop into my lap.

We’re still trying to get a handle on some new health matters, and that’s been my primary focus lately. It’s also been the primary trigger of stress lately. I feel as though I’ve been kicked into hypochondriac mode. Every new symptom brings concern. Is this related? Should I call the doctor? What if it’s not a big deal? What if it’s a really big deal?

I’ve been reduced to spinning circles within my own mind.

And honestly? I’m pretty bored with this mess.

I want to go back to how things were a few months ago. When I was only worried about the usual things, bills and such. I want to have a break from this added pressure, and just go back to the usual amount of stress.

Which is hardly something one wishes for, right?

But it’s true. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m overwhelmed with the constant onslaught of drama, problems, and stress.

Anyhow, I promise you this:

I’m ready to get things back to normal. So I’m going to do what I can to help it get that way. And I suppose that means letting go of some of the stress, any way I can.

Anyone have some sharp ideas?

Playing With Dogs

Life lately has been pretty complicated.

My health has been having some ups and downs and even some sideways. The holidays came, conquered, and left. Once again we find ourselves in January where money is a little more than tight, the weather is a little colder than chilly, and we’re all pretty burnt out.

I find myself stepping back to evaluate where my heart is. What projects have a I committed to, and which do I really WANT to do? How do I balance what I want to do with what I NEED to do? How do I take care of myself and others?

Yesterday, after a particularly emotional doctor’s appointment, I came home and cried. I curled up with my doggy and tried to shut out the world. Except the world didn’t want to stay shut out. There were emails to answer and phone calls coming in and…

I’m overwhelmed.

So this morning, I didn’t check my email, I didn’t answer my phone. I loaded up my doggy into my friend’s truck, and we took our dogs to the dogpark. We stood bundled up, chatting with other dog owners as our dogs all sniffed each other. I walked around with our little Toddy while he sniffed each and every fence post. I threw the squeaky ball for the dogs who would chase it. And I watched my shy little guy chase dogs three times his size.

I got a little muddy, more than a little chilled, and am definitely tired. But the dog slobber made me smile, and as I watch my Toddy nap on the couch, I realize my mind is clear for the first time in weeks.

And suddenly, things aren’t so complicated.

I Can’t Make Her Understand

What’s new?

Well, on Monday I got to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy to try to determine what’s behind the ongoing gastro issues I’ve been having. While the prep was just as horrible as everyone told me it would be, the doctor says I did wonderfully and there were no issues that required immediate action during the procedure. We should have the results of the biopsies within a week, and then we’ll hopefully have a plan of action.

I had a revelation while dealing with this whole process, though.

My mother will never understand.

While I don’t like to make my health front and center with my family, because it’s ALWAYS a sore topic, I felt it was important my mom know what was going on because we were trying to arrange a time for her to bring my son to us. Since my mom has had this procedure done, I figured she’d be sympathetic, or at least understanding.

I was wrong.

I planned ahead and told everyone I would be unavailable most of the weekend, as I knew I’d be doing the prep for the procedure. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to NOT talk to people from my bathroom. Call it manners, or something. And yet, my mother called repeatedly, and when I did answer, she was annoyed when I explained why I couldn’t talk.

On Monday, she called and asked if I had talked to my sister. I said I had not, as I’d been a little busy dealing with my own stuff. She again brushed it off like the procedure was no big deal. I told her I was leaving for the hospital then, and we hung up. She then called back right as I was getting checked in. I stared at my fiance in shock. What was she not getting about this?

As I had promised, I sent out texts to my mom, my dad, and a few close friends when I was released to let them know I was okay and heading home to rest. My dad (whom my mom swears is a horrible person who can’t possibly love me) replied immediately asking if there was anything he could do and thanking Scotty for taking such good care of me. Close friends responded sending their love and prayers. My mom?

She replied almost two hours later, “I’m glad you survived.”

I have never been so angry.

Why was she being so nonchalant about this all? While I realize the procedure is fairly routine, it was still scary for me. It’s also a part of the bigger picture of my overall health. Things have not been well so far this year, and this test was just another in a stream of diagnostics in an effort to find the best possible treatment plan for ALL of my autoimmune disorders.

I spent most of Monday evening in tears, frustrated and angry. I debated calling my mom to explain how she’d hurt my feelings. I vented on Twitter and finally begged my fiance for help. How should I handle this?

And Scotty, in his infinite wisdom, reminded me of something my therapist had recently told me.

While my mom is in recovery for her alcoholism, it doesn’t mean her personality is going to miraculously change. She will still be the same narcissist who doesn’t think anyone’s problems are as crucial and important as her own.

She will still be the mom who can’t face the fact that I am truly sick, that this isn’t something I’ve brought on myself, and that I’m not just making it all up.

This doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t still hurt, it just means that I see the futility of trying to talk to her about it. Since she doesn’t believe it’s real, she won’t understand why I’m making a scene.

It takes energy to put up a fight. Is it really worth my spoons to keep trying to convince her to see life from my point of view?

The short answer? Nope.

So I journaled my feelings and let it go. I accepted the love that was pouring forth from Scotty, my father, and my close friends. I curled up with my dog and let that love wash over me while I reminded myself that there were plenty of people who genuinely care about me.

And suddenly, things didn’t hurt so much anymore.

 

What do you do when family or loved ones dismiss your health problems? Do you have any tips for me?