Tag Archives: emotions

In Pieces

As I sit holding his hand, my heart is shattering into small pieces. The anguish and worry etched into his face cut me so deeply, I’m sure I’ll perish.

But I must remain strong for him.

I tear my gaze from my love’s face to look at the man lying in the bed before us. Even in sleep, his face is grimaced in pain. There are wires and tubes criss-crossing over his body and the machine above his bed is spitting out numbers that mean little to me- they don’t tell me what is wrong with him.

The room is chilly but there is a trickle of sweat down my back. Anxiety pays no mind to the temperature around me.

It seems like ages before they come to tell us what our hearts already knew. He is really sick and they will be admitting him. My love and I follow closely behind as they wheel this man upstairs to the ICU.

This man is my future father-in-law, my fiance’s sole remaining parent. While I come from a large family with multiple tangents, Scotty’s family is small and few. In fact, it’s just him and this man who looks far too fragile right now.

So my heart is in pieces for him, for them, as I watch Scotty try to hold it together and not show his fear.

His father’s health has not been great for a number of years, but he’s always fought back. In fact, this is not the first time we’ve sat at his bedside like this, with our hearts in our throats. But each new time is a reminder that he cannot fight this fight forever, and we mourn the gradual loss of a great man, as his body continues to fail him.

This time we are lucky, his father will heal.

But my heart is still in pieces, already broken for the day when we won’t be so lucky.

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Truthful Tuesday: I’m Hurting

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared some truths. Today the emotions are still running high, so I thought this would be a good way to process some of them.

*The doctor says I have TMJ, that it is related to RA, and is likely caused by my poor stress management.

*While I’ve improved in some areas in therapy, stress management is still something with which I’m struggling.

*What I really want is someone to handle these things for me.

*I not only have a hard time telling people “No,” I also have an equally difficult time saying “I can’t do this any longer” when an obligation or responsibility becomes too much for me.

*Right now, the emotional pain of this diagnosis and the surrounding issues are as painful as the TMJ.

*The pain is impacting my ability to eat the food I want, and today it hurts to talk. Or sing.

*My doggy asking to play will never not bring a smile to my face, no matter how much I hurt.

*My doggy waits until I’m in the middle of a post, and knee deep in the writing mojo before he’s ready to play. And he will not take no for an answer.

*Even while things have been rough these few weeks, I’ve been blessed. I’m lucky to have friends who do so much to enrich my life.

*I will overcome this hurdle, just as I’ve overcome everything up to this point. I may need a few days to process things, but I will prevail. And I will smile again.

Giving Myself Permission

My friend Echo has been writing these posts, “Hey, It’s Okay…” and they’re pretty awesome. I love how she puts herself out there, while simultaneously giving herself the permission to just be her, however she may be feeling in that moment.

I’ve toyed with doing a post of my own, but it hasn’t really felt right. Until today. Today, when my heart is heavy with words I can’t share here, and feelings that are too much.

So with a gentle nudge from one of my newest and most wonderful friends…

HeyItsOk

If I can’t help my mother the way she wants.

If I need to put my health (both physical AND mental) above the needs of those around me.

If the tears flow at the drop of a hat. Sometimes you just need a really good cry. Or ten.

To stick up for myself.

To be sad and angry at this disease, as long as I acknowledge those feelings instead of bottling them up.

If I want to take a day off and curl up with a Parenthood on Netflix marathon instead of facing responsibilities.

To ask for help.

To admit I can’t do something.

To take my own advice, and take care of me.

Living Better: Letting Go

LivingBetter

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in life has been how to let go.

I have a hard time letting go of hurts, and letting go of people who aren’t healthy for me. I’m not really sure why, and to be honest, it is a big piece of what I’m working on in therapy. I had thought to leave this post for that wonderous day when I finally had it all worked out, but events this week have made me see that maybe, just maybe, this is a lifelong lesson.

And if that’s the case, why am I waiting to share something I know to be true?

We’ve talked many times here about how stress is unhealthy for us. To that same degree, holding on to negative feelings is just as detrimental, possibly more. Each day, hour, minute spent thinking about the jerk who hurt our feelings, or that rude thing our neighbor said, or how our ex broke our heart- it all adds up. It robs us of happiness, and leaves us emotionally and mentally drained.

I wish I had some grand advice on how to let go of these thoughts and emotions, but it’s something I’m still working on. What I have learned is that we must work at letting go, so that we may be happier. What I’ve found helps- surrounding myself with love. Friends I can turn to who help me lift the veil of darkness from my day. A partner who will do the little things so I can take care of me. A doggy who rolls around on the floor begging for belly rubs and rewards me with kisses and snuggles. I’ve set up a support system of happiness that I can turn to when I feel myself dwelling on the negative.

Letting go of people is often so much harder.

On one hand, I’ve been known to be the “love them til they hurt me” type. I’ve often said, “I’m your best friend until you give me a reason not to be, then you’re dead to me.” (Nice unintentional rhyming there…) And this is mostly true. If I let you into my circle, I’ll often bend over backwards for you. Until you give me a reason not to. Betraying my trust or hurting someone I love are game changers and I will cut you out of my life quicker than you can blink.

But there are people who’ve hurt me over and over again that I just can’t seem to let go. I allow them to reside in my heart and my mind, knowing they’ll continue to hurt me. Knowing they’re unhealthy and toxic personalities, and how those affect me. Knowing nothing will change until I make the changes. And yet, I hesitate.

I know it impacts my health, so this is a key part of my therapy. There are simply some people we can’t cut out of our lives, for whatever reason, and so I’m learning how to set boundaries.

Boundaries and a support system of happiness. Letting go.

Finding ways to move forward so that we may see the light in each and every day, and ultimately, live better.

 

**How do YOU live better? I’m looking for guest posts in this series and would love to share your story. Please email me at becominneurotic@gmail.com with your ideas.