Category Archives: One Word

A Healing Journey

You may remember that this year I am focusing on healing.

As we gear up for April, I feel an update is in order.

Am I healing?

Considering I’m currently fighting a cold, most would laugh and say no. How can I be healing when I sit coughing and sneezing?

Since my primary goal for this journey was to heal my heart, the coughs and sneezes are neither here or there in my book.

Emotionally, I feel like a pot of soup someone’s stirred too hard too fast. Now the liquid is churning around in a tornado-like spiral, this is me.

I still miss Misty with a pain that cuts like a knife. Though my days are no longer filled with crying, there are still moments that catch me raw and the sobs spill forth. There have been moments that I have craved nothing more than to be able to pick up my phone and call her and the knowledge that I can’t, aches.

With my recent engagement and the beginnings of wedding plans, I’m eternally grateful for the close friends I have that are flung far and wide across the country. Tracie, Teala, and Shevaun have been helping pool ideas together so we can get a clearer picture of what the big day will look like. Teala is even saving up so she can fly out to be on of my bridesmaids. That she is willing do so much for me is a bit overwhelming. The love of my friends is wonderful and beautiful and I am so very blessed.

My fiance and I are as close as we’ve ever been. Having him beside me on this journey makes the harder moments easier to face and the good moments even sweeter. His love helps to heal wounds from my past that have a nasty way of showing up occasionally. His understanding and patience with me allows me to take the space I need to work on myself without feeling too guilty.

My new found friend Rebecca has been a joyful help on my path of physical healing.

A fellow rheumie, she is possible the only person in my life that fully comprehends what it means when I say something hurts. She’s been kind enough to share any tips she has as well as passing along new information and research. I feel like I have a co-captain in this battle against my disease and that’s helped me be able to face some of the harsher realities.

I suppose the fact that I consider myself a work in progress means I am, in fact, healing. I know I’m nowhere close to where I want to be, but I’m getting there.

And in the end, that’s the definition of a journey, isn’t it?

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The Path of Healing

There comes a time when anything becomes too much.

Whether it’s too many sweets upsetting your tummy or too much T.V. rotting your brain, all things will reach that point. This is why we’re taught moderation.

Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to learn moderation easily. Blame it on the stars, my parents, or how I was raised, I’ve always done things in an “all or nothing” way. If I’m going to be singing along to Air Supply, it’s at full volume. If I’m going to love someone, it’s with everything I have.

Obviously, not everyone operates how I do. Which, in part, led to a falling out with people whom I considered close friends. A falling out that led to a vicious fight via text message on New Year’s Eve. (I know, not how I like to do things, but ugh.) By the time my boyfriend came home from work, I was in tears and already regretting things I’d said. While I didn’t regret standing up for myself, I had said things out of anger and pain that could have been better expressed. I stewed about it most of the evening before finally deciding I did NOT want to be starting the new year with even more hurt and anger.

For future reference, I’m a Leo. It takes a great deal for me to smooth down my hackles once they’ve been raised. I don’t usually have a problem apologizing if I’ve done something wrong, but in this case, I believed myself to be in the right. Still, the hurt over losing people who’ve had a big part in my life in the last few years weighed heavy and I knew I needed to step up to do what was right.

New Year’s night I sat down with J and we talked it all out. She may still be stubborn and a bit too much for me at times, but we’ve got everything on the table now. I feel she has a better understanding of what I deal with being immunocompromised and what that means I have to expect from her. I understand better where she’s coming from when she gets a little bossy, and while it may drive me batty to be told what to do, I know now it’s her way of showing she cares. We’ve reached compromises and promised better communication so that we may remain friends and hopefully not come to this point of hurt again.

That was the crux of it all, really. Underneath all the anger, I hurt. BAD. J was one of the first female friends I met after I moved here to be with my boyfriend. I had thought we understood each other and I was hurt by what I thought was blatant ignorance on her part.

Turns out, people are NOT mind readers. And I need to be careful of what conversations I have (or think I have) when I’ve been taking my pain medication. I thought I had laid all the facts bare for them, in reality I had not. It turns out that I had asked them to give me space, and then I forgot and thought they were ignoring me. The mind can be a tricky thing sometimes.

J and I have patched things and I feel a bit stronger leading into this year of healing. Through each step taken, each word written, I will work through this pain (physical, mental, and emotional) and see the peace on the other side.

I know this path I’ve chosen won’t always be easy. I know there will be times where I must seriously evaluate myself and find where I’m willing to shift and where I must be steadfast. But I also know this is the path I must take if I ever want to truly be a happy person. This is the path that leads me to a full life of love, happiness, peace, and joy.

This is the path I want to teach my children to walk.

One Word: Heal

Tracie, as she’s continuously done, has inspired me.

Last year, Tracie talked about HOPE. I followed along all year and saw this word come through time and time again. She explained it to me once, and since then, it’s been brewing in my mind.

Over at One Word, there is a community of bloggers that choose one word to define their year and then they work all year towards the goals that word inspires within them and their lives. Even before December turned topsy turvy on me, I was thinking of joining in on this. I just had no idea of how to find my word.

And then, in the last week of the year, everything happened.

My lovely sister’s life was cut so very short. As I sat reeling, friends that I had struggled with all year demanded that we address our relationship. We fought, horribly. The time for my shot came due in the midst of a cold front and all the pain came crashing in waves. I felt overwhelmed with hurting and couldn’t see a way out. And then, in a dream that was more real than not, it came to me.

Heal

2013 will be a year of healing. I want to HEAL.

From the pain in my body, from the pain in my heart. I want to learn to be less angry and to forgive those that hurt me. I want to learn to let the hurt go and to HEAL from it all.

I want to spend these months healing from 2012 and moving forward.

And so I shall. One word at a time.