In Pieces

As I sit holding his hand, my heart is shattering into small pieces. The anguish and worry etched into his face cut me so deeply, I’m sure I’ll perish.

But I must remain strong for him.

I tear my gaze from my love’s face to look at the man lying in the bed before us. Even in sleep, his face is grimaced in pain. There are wires and tubes criss-crossing over his body and the machine above his bed is spitting out numbers that mean little to me- they don’t tell me what is wrong with him.

The room is chilly but there is a trickle of sweat down my back. Anxiety pays no mind to the temperature around me.

It seems like ages before they come to tell us what our hearts already knew. He is really sick and they will be admitting him. My love and I follow closely behind as they wheel this man upstairs to the ICU.

This man is my future father-in-law, my fiance’s sole remaining parent. While I come from a large family with multiple tangents, Scotty’s family is small and few. In fact, it’s just him and this man who looks far too fragile right now.

So my heart is in pieces for him, for them, as I watch Scotty try to hold it together and not show his fear.

His father’s health has not been great for a number of years, but he’s always fought back. In fact, this is not the first time we’ve sat at his bedside like this, with our hearts in our throats. But each new time is a reminder that he cannot fight this fight forever, and we mourn the gradual loss of a great man, as his body continues to fail him.

This time we are lucky, his father will heal.

But my heart is still in pieces, already broken for the day when we won’t be so lucky.

11 thoughts on “In Pieces

    1. I’m sorry for you, it’s such a very hard place to be in. We certainly don’t want our loved ones to keep suffering or being in pain, but we also want them with us for as long as possible. Sending you light and hugs.

  1. I get this. My father in law has had 3 heart attacks – 2 of them during my marriage to my hubby. Easy time, I have seen the look on David’s face as he has to face the possibility head on. He and his dad are so close and I know that, when the end happens, he will be devastated. So will my three girls who love their PawPaw so very much.

  2. It’s hard when we have to face losses of our own, but even harder I think when we have to face a loss that a loved one suffers. My parents passed away nearly 2 years ago and it was a very hard loss for me. Thankfully, I had my husband to love me through it. Now his mother (his only surviving parent) is in her mid eighties and failing – and I know how tremendous the loss of her will be for him some day … and my heart already aches for what he’ll have to go through when it happens. Love is what helped me get through my loss. It’s what I hope I can give my husband enough of to help him get through his loss when it happens. And it’s what I hope will help all of you get through the days of grief that you’ll one day have to deal with as well. Until then, just cling to each other, enjoy the present and be strong for one another. My thoughts are with you.

  3. I held off from reading because I feared how it would move me. I love this so much, though. I’m so glad he is doing better but you’re right. Your thoughts. Words. Heart. It hurts. Aches. I will keep you guys in my own heart. Praying for healing. And strength.

    1. Thank you Andrea ❤ I hesitated posting it because it was so raw. But my writing heals me, and it was important for me to share these feelings. Pops is doing better now, but yes…the fear is still there.

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