More than words can say, I appreciate all of your comments yesterday. There is nothing quite like knowing you’re not alone in your fight. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Liz over at Human Nature said something that hit me like a lightening bolt and stuck with me all day:
“Do not doubt the love of those you love so much. They choose to love you for who you are. Perhaps the reason you don’t see why is because you don’t love yourself.”
I’ve never thought about it before, I guess. I know I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem and self-worth, even as a teen. But I don’t think I’ve ever looked at it as not loving myself. I read her words yesterday and I was dumbstruck. Did I love myself?
At first, I looked at it quite literally. No, I don’t love myself. There’s a lot I’d like to change. I don’t love the chronic pain, the changes that RA has brought to my body, or this new life I lead. After acknowledging that I really don’t love being this “new me,” I asked myself if I’ve ever loved myself.
Just like that, all the curtains opened. Like a movie montage, I could see memories of my life flicker before me, each one depicting scenes where people told me they loved me and then when they told me they didn’t anymore. Each scene was a stab to my heart, so much of the hurt I had buried over the years came pouring forth. For every promise of love that was broken, my love for myself took a hit. And with the loss of friendship I thought would be with me until my dying days, I saw the truth:
If these people couldn’t love me anymore, I must not be worthy of love.
I sat in stunned belief. Is this why I wasn’t good to myself? Had I based my self-worth on the broken promises of others? Even as I asked these hard questions, I knew the answers. I had been treating myself the way I thought I deserved based on the opinions of those who had come and left.
It was a hard realization.
With the truth blazing in front of me, I was at a loss. Where do I go from here? How do I learn to love myself again? There’s still so much I’d like to change. Will the changes help or do I need to learn to love me just as I am? I’m so unsure where to go, how to start.
I don’t have any answers yet, only some vague ideas. I do know this, I feel lighter today than I have in a while, and that’s got to be a good thing. I also know that I have friends with me no matter what, that much is evident from the love that was poured forth yesterday.
There’s a little voice that tells me this is an important step on my path of healing. Fancy that, hmm?
**Don’t forget to go comment here to enter to win a set of limited edition holiday ornaments!!