Month of Positivity- Loving Myself

MOPBlog

 

More than words can say, I appreciate all of your comments yesterday. There is nothing quite like knowing you’re not alone in your fight. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Liz over at Human Nature said something that hit me like a lightening bolt and stuck with me all day:

“Do not doubt the love of those you love so much. They choose to love you for who you are. Perhaps the reason you don’t see why is because you don’t love yourself.”

I’ve never thought about it before, I guess. I know I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem and self-worth, even as a teen. But I don’t think I’ve ever looked at it as not loving myself. I read her words yesterday and I was dumbstruck. Did I love myself?

At first, I looked at it quite literally. No, I don’t love myself. There’s a lot I’d like to change. I don’t love the chronic pain, the changes that RA has brought to my body, or this new life I lead. After acknowledging that I really don’t love being this “new me,” I asked myself if I’ve ever loved myself.

Just like that, all the curtains opened. Like a movie montage, I could see memories of my life flicker before me, each one depicting scenes where people told me they loved me and then when they told me they didn’t anymore. Each scene was a stab to my heart, so much of the hurt I had buried over the years came pouring forth. For every promise of love that was broken, my love for myself took a hit. And with the loss of friendship I thought would be with me until my dying days, I saw the truth:

If these people couldn’t love me anymore, I must not be worthy of love.

I sat in stunned belief. Is this why I wasn’t good to myself? Had I based my self-worth on the broken promises of others? Even as I asked these hard questions, I knew the answers. I had been treating myself the way I thought I deserved based on the opinions of those who had come and left.

It was a hard realization.

With the truth blazing in front of me, I was at a loss. Where do I go from here? How do I learn to love myself again? There’s still so much I’d like to change. Will the changes help or do I need to learn to love  me just as I am? I’m so unsure where to go, how to start.

I don’t have any answers yet, only some vague ideas. I do know this, I feel lighter today than I have in a while, and that’s got to be a good thing. I also know that I have friends with me no matter what, that much is evident from the love that was poured forth yesterday.

There’s a little voice that tells me this is an important step on my path of healing. Fancy that, hmm?

**Don’t forget to go comment here to enter to win a set of limited edition holiday ornaments!!

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4 thoughts on “Month of Positivity- Loving Myself

  1. This is a tough one. I struggle with it, as well. I don’t feel unlovable – I have some wonderful people who love me and I can’t deny that! But *I* don’t love myself as much as I should. I don’t really know how…

  2. I hope that what I said was useful 🙂

    You said “There’s still so much I’d like to change. Will the changes help or do I need to learn to love me just as I am?”. I would actually say both. There’s no right and wrong here, I think that working on loving you as you are will mean change, and those changes will help even more.

    Loving yourself isn’t a black and white thing either – you don’t go from a state of ‘not loving yourself’ to ‘completely loving yourself’ overnight. There might always be things you like less about yourself than other things. Accepting this is key. Focusing on whatever bits you do or can love about yourself is a great start though. And if you feel there are things you can do differently, or ways you can think differently, then these are things to think on.

    Honestly, it’s a process that is far too complex to write in a blog comment – although you’ve inspired me to try and find a way to describe it, or at least try and write down some key points. But it’s a process that starts small, and gradually builds and builds and builds. I ‘see’ it as a framework of thoughts and experiences that gets stronger and thicker and more robust the more you add to it. It takes work – you need to identify habitual thought patterns and make active choices about thinking differently.

    You can do it. You ARE doing it. Your realisation from yesterday is a big part of that.

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