Month of Positivity- My Truth

MOPBlog

 

I haven’t been honest with you, my dear readers.

I started this month with such high hopes for myself. I naively thought that just by blogging about the things in my life that bring me light, I would be able to stave off the darkness. If I told you all the people for which I’m grateful, I would be reminded of how great my life is in spite of all the pain. If I had this blog to hold me accountable for practicing self-care, I would be better about being kinder to myself.

I should have known that Depression doesn’t work that way. This isn’t a new battle for me, after all.

Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for all of the people and things in my life that I’ve told you about, and many more. Logically, I know that my life could be much worse, it has been much worse.

But Depression doesn’t rely on logic.

Depression feeds on all of your deepest insecurities and forces you to face all the ugliness.

So while I’ve been telling you how thankful I am to have awesome people in my life, how I’m grateful for all the pieces of my life that are bright, I’ve been hiding my darkness. I’ve hidden that each day while I write about my happiness, tears are streaming down my face. While I tell you how much I love my son, my fiance, my friends, I’m wondering how they can love me back. While I am thankful for all the good, I’m praying the bad will just go away…even while knowing I probably deserve the pain and hurt.

It took a seemingly benign text from Cindy Lou last night to bring down the veil I’d been hiding behind. I spent last night in tears on my couch, demanding to understand how my fiance can still love me. Insisting that he deserves someone much better than me. Someone less crazy, less of a burden.

All the hurt and anguish I’ve been battling all month long came spilling out last night. I cried until I was a snotty mess (I’m so not the glamorous one), until I was worn out from trying to explain the thoughts that were engulfing me. My fiance hugged me, assured me he didn’t think I was bat-shit bonkers, and promised he still loved me.

I’m telling you all of this because I promised one thing when I began writing again. I promised I would be honest. Because if you can’t be honest in your writing, what kind of person does that make you? I didn’t want to find out.

If I can share my battles with chronic pain, I should also be sharing about the struggles that make me want to pull the covers around me tight and bury myself in my bed. Because I know I’m not alone. And if the people I love and admire can be open about their fights against the darkness, I can too. Because it’s not right to portray my battles as anything else than they are.

I’m sorry if you came here today for something light, something that would make you smile. I just didn’t have it in me. I’m sorry if you feel cheated out of positivy, trust me when I tell you I often feel the same. I can’t promise you that tomorrow I will once again be light and smiles, in fact, I think I won’t be. Yes, I will share something for which I am grateful, but I will also share with honesty.

Today I’m grateful that there are people who love me even when I can’t love myself. Those people give me hope even when I’m bawling my eyes out and insisting that I’m undeserving of their love. Those people are my heroes.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Month of Positivity- My Truth

  1. I don’t feel cheated out of positivity today at all. I think being honest with yourself and those you love is positive. Even if the honesty feels dark and hard, being able to speak and write that truth is a very positive thing.

    Just know that right now, I’m cheering for you! And I love you so very much – no matter what. You ARE deserving of love and good things. Depression lies when it tells you otherwise. Thank you for sharing your heart. It makes this world a better place.

  2. Oh honey, I just want to wrap you up in the biggest hug (assuming it wouldn’t cause you more pain of course). Depression lies. It lies and lies. And when you are also chronically ill, the kind of lies it tells are especially poisonous.

    You are worthy of love exactly as you are, right now, today. Chronic illness and mental illness and all. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy.

    I have been on a depression see-saw lately. Thinking about positive things does help, and I use it as a coping mechanism, but on the bad days I still cry. And that’s okay. Sometimes it’s better to cry it all out instead of trying to ignore it and stuff it down.

    When I first started dating my boyfriend I was dealing with the fallout of my marriage falling apart and all the nasty things my ex said during our last fight. I started crying, and told him I didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved, that he was being too nice to me. He listened, but then gently told me that those feelings were bullshit. Of course I deserved to be loved. Even with my depression and my angst about the divorce, I was still a good person and I deserved a good relationship. And I do! And so do you 🙂

    Thank you for sharing your honesty with us today. Winter is really tough for me, my depression seems to love the dark and cold. You are not alone in this struggle. We can help hold each other & our other friends up. Hang in there. ❤

  3. I see it as a really positive thing that you have written this. Not only might it be an outlet for your dark feelings, but you will have reached others who are feeling the same. Others who try to be positive, but who struggle with it sometimes in just the same way you do. For them to know they aren’t alone is huge. You should know that too.

    Having days when you feel dark is ok. It doesn’t mean you should give up the fight, but accepting that depression is a tough nut to crack is a good thing. I believe in practising positivity in every way you can. And I truly believe that the more you practise, the easier it becomes. But, like an athlete, that practice, that training will sometimes feel like the hardest thing in the world. You might have days where it all feels good, you feel you are making progress, and heading in the right direction. But there will be days where all you can do is put one foot in front of the other (and barely). That is OK.

    The path towards a more positive you is not an easy one, and it’s long. I know, I’ve trodden it myself. You get there in tiny increments, and sometimes you go backwards, or it feels like you are getting nowhere. But every tiny improvement you notice – celebrate it, revel in it. Then, when things are hard, be kind to yourself. Remember that your brain might be outside its comfort zone, and it’s trying to go back to a more familiar pattern of thinking – even if that familiar pattern is a dark one.

    Do not doubt the love of those you love so much. They choose to love you for who you are. Perhaps the reason you don’t see why is because you don’t love yourself. When (and I do mean when) you can remember how to love yourself, then you’ll be able to understand it again. For now, just work on exactly what you say – being grateful for their love, and accepting it. Allow them to be your heroes.

    And keep writing. Whatever you need to write.

  4. I’ll take honesty over positivity any day. Truth is very, very important. In my life, it’s vital. It’s important to get the darkness out there so that you can make room for the light.

Got something to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s