There comes a time when anything becomes too much.
Whether it’s too many sweets upsetting your tummy or too much T.V. rotting your brain, all things will reach that point. This is why we’re taught moderation.
Unfortunately, I’ve never been one to learn moderation easily. Blame it on the stars, my parents, or how I was raised, I’ve always done things in an “all or nothing” way. If I’m going to be singing along to Air Supply, it’s at full volume. If I’m going to love someone, it’s with everything I have.
Obviously, not everyone operates how I do. Which, in part, led to a falling out with people whom I considered close friends. A falling out that led to a vicious fight via text message on New Year’s Eve. (I know, not how I like to do things, but ugh.) By the time my boyfriend came home from work, I was in tears and already regretting things I’d said. While I didn’t regret standing up for myself, I had said things out of anger and pain that could have been better expressed. I stewed about it most of the evening before finally deciding I did NOT want to be starting the new year with even more hurt and anger.
For future reference, I’m a Leo. It takes a great deal for me to smooth down my hackles once they’ve been raised. I don’t usually have a problem apologizing if I’ve done something wrong, but in this case, I believed myself to be in the right. Still, the hurt over losing people who’ve had a big part in my life in the last few years weighed heavy and I knew I needed to step up to do what was right.
New Year’s night I sat down with J and we talked it all out. She may still be stubborn and a bit too much for me at times, but we’ve got everything on the table now. I feel she has a better understanding of what I deal with being immunocompromised and what that means I have to expect from her. I understand better where she’s coming from when she gets a little bossy, and while it may drive me batty to be told what to do, I know now it’s her way of showing she cares. We’ve reached compromises and promised better communication so that we may remain friends and hopefully not come to this point of hurt again.
That was the crux of it all, really. Underneath all the anger, I hurt. BAD. J was one of the first female friends I met after I moved here to be with my boyfriend. I had thought we understood each other and I was hurt by what I thought was blatant ignorance on her part.
Turns out, people are NOT mind readers. And I need to be careful of what conversations I have (or think I have) when I’ve been taking my pain medication. I thought I had laid all the facts bare for them, in reality I had not. It turns out that I had asked them to give me space, and then I forgot and thought they were ignoring me. The mind can be a tricky thing sometimes.
J and I have patched things and I feel a bit stronger leading into this year of healing. Through each step taken, each word written, I will work through this pain (physical, mental, and emotional) and see the peace on the other side.
I know this path I’ve chosen won’t always be easy. I know there will be times where I must seriously evaluate myself and find where I’m willing to shift and where I must be steadfast. But I also know this is the path I must take if I ever want to truly be a happy person. This is the path that leads me to a full life of love, happiness, peace, and joy.
This is the path I want to teach my children to walk.