There are people and situations in my life that I cannot change. However, I do have control over how I let them affect me.
For the last few days I’ve been struggling. “Friends” that haven’t spoken to me since my recent bout of pneumonia have both texted and called me this week. Neither acknowledged that they haven’t spoken to me since I got sick, two months ago. I’ve not answered any of the messages.
I know, I KNOW avoidance isn’t the answer. I’m horrible with confrontation, though, and this situation doesn’t involve just me. Anything I say or do could effect my boyfriend and his role in his band, since one of the band member’s wife is involved. I would stab my own eyes out with a rusty spoon before I would jeopardize his role in the band. Not only does he love making music, the money from the band is vital to our household.
However, this is becoming too much to take. Their calls and texts have brought all the hurt back and I’m STILL mad. I despise being this angry person. I’ve contemplated forgiveness but I can’t see past the hurt I feel to my core. People I loved and cared for as if they were family treated me like…
Well, like my family has treated me for years. Which is why I’ve allowed it to continue, I suppose. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m used to. And while I may rail in the background, I have yet to confront them on their behavior and how it’s affected me.
I’ve tried all the tips I remember from therapy. I’ve written letters I haven’t sent, I’ve tried to take the experience and turn it into something positive. Nothing helps for very long.
With this recent crack to the armor I attempt to keep patching, I’m left raw. After all, this is not the only battle I fight. The stubbornness, the lying, the ignorance, the blatant disregard, the pain, the suffocation, the out-casting.
I can’t fight this way any longer. As the pain breaks my body, the stress breaks my heart. I find myself fighting anger and tears at the same time and I know I have reached the end of my rope.
And so, to those in my life, consider this my notice. I am no longer your doormat, the friendly friend who will do as she’s told with no reciprocation. I am no longer going to turn the other cheek as you insult me with your actions. I am no longer the one who will cry silently while you tear her apart.
I am more important than this.