Yesterday was rough.
I didn’t sleep well the night before. Pain had settled in for the long haul and I was fairly miserable. Which means I was pretty miserable to be around. I snapped at my boyfriend, nearly burst into tears too many times to count, and I whined.
In hindsight, it’s a good thing I’m working on positivity, thankfulness, and gratitude this month. My attitude yesterday sure needed a reminder of the greatness in my life. Yesterday, I was thankful for patience.
My boyfriend’s patience with me and my mood swings. The patience of friends who support me even when I’m whiny and full of complaints. And the patience I’m learning to find with myself.
As most spoonies I know, I am my own judge and jury. When I have a rough day and my moods are all over the place, my mind throws me on trial, criticizing each statement, action, thought. I find that I’m constantly berating myself, beating myself up for feelings and thoughts that are completely justifiable under the circumstances.
Remember that vicious cycle I mentioned?
Part of this project I’m doing this month is focused to remind me of my blessings and to remind me to show my gratitude. The other part is focused on treating myself better. Yes, physically I need to be better to my body, for sure. But I also need to be kinder, gentler with my mind, my heart. It was the words of my beautician that hit home:
“Of course you’re not in a good mood when you’re hurting! Who wants to be smiling when each movement causes intense pain?!”
She’s right. And it was that validation, that understanding of what is deep in my mind, that freed me to stop beating myself up for a minute and take a hard look at my attitude. I realized that the people who truly matter in my life not only don’t care that I need to take time for myself, they encourage it. So why do I keep fighting it? Why do I keep listening to the guilt monster when he tells me how lazy I am?
Yesterday I made a promise to myself to be more patient with ME. The hard truth is that I am NOT the same person I was before I got sick. I can’t keep placing the same expectations on myself when circumstances have changed.
For my self-care, I indulged a bit and went to get my eyebrows done while my boyfriend got his haircut. Truthfully, it’s money we can’t really afford. But I also don’t have the dexterity to hold the tweezers with any sort of accuracy anymore. Some days, there’s actually a very real concern that I could accidentally stab myself in the eye if I tried to take tweezers to my eyebrows. So I indulged, got a lesson in self-acceptance, and got a dose of fresh air yesterday evening.
Not a bad ending to a rough day.