I saw this picture while putzing around on Pinterest tonight.
While I do believe in a higher power and I can see how certain paths are laid out for us, I struggle to think that my life is completely predetermined. Especially this life.
Yes, I am happily in love with a man who makes my heart sing. Yes, I am blessed with a near 12 year old son who constantly makes me proud. Yes, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly and medicine when I need it. I KNOW there are those who are so much worse off than I am.
But was I really meant to have this life? Why?
Why was my daughter taken from me before she even had a chance to breathe? Why have I had to endure the loss of loved ones in the prime of their lives? The abuse, the hurt, the pain, what was the purpose?
Why must I live this life in constant pain?
After finishing the horse pill antibiotics, I was feeling a bit of freedom. I went out to watch my boyfriend’s band play this weekend and spent some time with new friends. Yesterday I woke up feeling congested again.
I REFUSE to be constricted to my home infinitely for fear of always picking up whatever bug is flying around.
But what is the other option? I can’t be continuously sick, my body and our finances can’t take it. And while my body fights off whatever bug, I must continue to refrain from my anti-RA meds. So I feel miserable and the pain is coming in waves. I can feel a flare, just at the edges, like a shroud waiting to consume me.
I want to be well but I also want to live. How do I find this magical balance?
And if I truly am strong enough for this life I’ve been given, why do I feel so incredibly weak?