Unanswered Questions

I saw this picture while putzing around on Pinterest tonight.

(click image for site credit)

While I do believe in a higher power and I can see how certain paths are laid out for us, I struggle to think that my life is completely predetermined. Especially this life.

Yes, I am happily in love with a man who makes my heart sing. Yes, I am blessed with a near 12 year old son who constantly makes me proud. Yes, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly and medicine when I need it. I KNOW there are those who are so much worse off than I am.

But was I really meant to have this life? Why?

Why was my daughter taken from me before she even had a chance to breathe? Why have I had to endure the loss of loved ones in the prime of their lives? The abuse, the hurt, the pain, what was the purpose?

Why must I live this life in constant pain?

After finishing the horse pill antibiotics, I was feeling a bit of freedom. I went out to watch my boyfriend’s band play this weekend and spent some time with new friends. Yesterday I woke up feeling congested again.

I REFUSE to be constricted to my home infinitely for fear of always picking up whatever bug is flying around.

But what is the other option? I can’t be continuously sick, my body and our finances can’t take it. And while my body fights off whatever bug, I must continue to refrain from my anti-RA meds. So I feel miserable and the pain is coming in waves. I can feel a flare, just at the edges, like a shroud waiting to consume me.

I want to be well but I also want to live. How do I find this magical balance?

And if I truly am strong enough for this life I’ve been given, why do I feel so incredibly weak?


3 thoughts on “Unanswered Questions

  1. My friend. You are strong. So very strong. Even on those days when you don’t feel it.

    Sometimes I think those “inspirational” sayings and quotes are exactly the opposite. They make me feel bad. They don’t inspire me to go out and rock things, they shame me into feeling like I haven’t done enough or tried enough.

    Are you strong? YES. Can you handle life? YES.

    I am a Christian, and I believe God has plans for us, but I also believe that we have free will and we live in a fallen world. Those two thing effect our lives – the free will comes into play with our good and bad choices, and the fallen world comes into play with things like health problems and death. So sometimes the perfect plan doesn’t happen. That doesn’t mean God doesn’t love us, and He WILL help us through it, but it also doesn’t mean that he planned the crap that came our way. Sometimes bad things happen. It sucks. There is a balance in there that I can’t fully explain, and it feels like a not-enough kind of answer, but it is there.

    (I’m sorry I just got all preachy on your blog.)

    As for finding the balance in your own life? I wish I had a magical answer. But I do believe in you, and I know you will find it. You are awesome like that. And you deserve it. Life and all the good things. Mostly I just love you, and want to see you happy, and all the good things to go your way.

  2. I agree with Tracie – some of those inspirational quotes just make me feel awful. I ignore them now. I’m ALWAYS an exception to whatever “rule” they’re promoting.

    You’re doing your best. That’s the right way to live – the best you know how and are able.

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