Han Solo I Am Not

There are many things I know about myself. Some I have to relearn over time, as I become complacent. Others are things I’ve learned and they are solidified in my mind. These are my truths.

The joy of a blog is that I get to choose which truths to share with you. Maybe I’ll tell you that I’m a survivor of Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Rape. But maybe I won’t tell you how old I was when I got my first kiss.

Possibly, eventually, I will have shared it all and laid myself bare for you.

One of my truths?

I despise being alone.

Gah. I hate how that sounds, how it looks. But it is my truth.

Since my dating years, I’ve always had someone. Whether I was in a commited relationship or I had a few close friends to spend my time with, I was rarely solo.

That’s not to say that I don’t value personal time. I do. I just prefer to have important people in my life, close to me to spend time with, create memories with.

The boyfriend is similar. While he does go out and do the guy thing one night a week, he also prefers our time together. Date nights at home or out on the town, either way, we’re happy as long as we have each other.

We had already been dating for six months or so when he joined his band. From day one, I was the oddball among the significant others of the band members. I wanted to be at the gigs. I didn’t care if I had heard the same songs over and over again, I wanted to be there.

To show support, yes. I wanted the boyfriend to look out and be able to see a smile in the crowd, no matter what. And sure, there’s a part of me that’s always gotten a thrill out of being the girlfriend of the AMAZING guitar player. But mostly? It’s time together, memories shared. He sits with me on his breaks between sets and we people watch. We keep each other company on the long drives to the out of town gigs. And? We’re not alone.

This weekend, the band plays, literally, in the middle of nowhere. (I know, I went last year when they played this fair.) And, unless something changes in the next few hours, I won’t be with them.

This year, the band has decided to carpool. As it stands, there’s only room for the four band members and all their gear. The boyfriend and I could pack up and drive our borrowed car and no one would care that I was tagging along. However, it’s about $100 in gas that we can’t really afford to spend. It would be a huge chunk of the boyfriend’s pay from this weekend.

I just can’t justify spending that money when there are bills stacked up.

So tomorrow morning, I’ll send the boyfriend off with kisses and breakfast. I may be pouty for a bit. But then? I’m gonna spend the day doing things I want to do. Maybe I’ll catch up on some crafting, maybe I’ll take a dunk in the pool. Maybe I’ll stay in bed all day with my books and some popsicles.

But whatever I do? I’ll be doing it solo.

And I’ll try to be okay with that.

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2 thoughts on “Han Solo I Am Not

  1. You will find that space where you are okay with it – for the weekend at least. And when the boyfriend comes home you will get to hear all about his trip, and he will get to hear all about your weekend, and y’all will be together again.

    I vote for staying in bed with books. Always a good plan!

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